Chasing Dignity

Desire begs me to dance and I make excuses.
I am not young and beautiful.

I am an old woman, older than the vine, older than memory,
Older than the many paths I have taken. 

But the rose does not just climb, it twines sideways and upwards,
Commanding space.

I remind myself, age can be striking and beautiful
And it is not selfish to want to dance.

Climbing

Your voice begs my soul to climb,
Challenges me and draws me to my core,
Helps me feel the soil under my feet,
Helps me find meaning in the vast landscape.

Sometimes, on a dark enough night,
Even scraps of love are plenty,
Can pull me through until morning,
Can wear away my edges.
Can stop the pain.

When I've lost my way,
You paint my soul with normalcy,
Clean anxiety from my face,
Put me in a church dress.

I set my sights on happiness
I can sleep.  And I do smile.
I do smile.

A Letter to Truth

I am not ready for spring
I want to curl up in your winter
I want to stay until the thaw
Until the water, now sliding
Ever so gently under the ice
Reaches the surface
And dares to sparkle.

But in summer,
Oh beautiful summer
We will both go barefoot.

Rain Birds

The rain is falling with intention today,
Smoothing my mind, helping me breathe.
The sound of it loosens my desire.
I discover I am clinging to each of many paths,
As if clinging could make travel easier.

It is January, winter, cold and gray,
And yet I wish to walk in the rain,
Feel the shocking cold,
Feel it wash over me,
Ask forgiveness,
Lift fear heavenward and let it fly.

One Monday

The room is dark,
I touch your soul,
I see you for the first time,
I feel myself crying out for yesterday,
Even for minutes just past
The light hurts my eyes.

There is a certain innoncence
That is lost in knowing someone.

I feel regret.
I mourn deeply.
I let go with speed.
I will miss the darkness
But I will enjoy the light.

Goodbye

I thought I wanted
To touch the sun
It was a fantasy
It was a notion.

I can't touch the sun
That makes me no less
It brings me no pain
It is meaningless
The sun wastes no thought on me.

I can't touch you
That makes me no less
It brings me no pain
It is meaningless
You waste no thought on me.

And still...
You shine.
And still...
I am warmed by your light.

Grasping: A Prayer

Sometimes I catch myself grasping
For things I cannot have
Wishing, wanting, reaching
For love or income or recognition,
As if to bring those things closer,
That will surely go running
Just for the grasping.

I can't claim innocence.
My grasping is not without thought.
It is not without recognition of
How damaging grasping can be,
It is not without knowledge of
The selfishness of the act.
I know the consequences
And I beg myself to stop.
And yet I can't.

Forgive me God for my grasping,
Give me caring enough to withstand it,
Give me patience enough to wait,
Give me love enough to think about
Someone other than myself,
Hold my hands God,
Hold my hands.

Dog's Ears Never Sleep

My dog, she is sleeping,
Eyes closed,
Mouth open,
Breathing even,
Round furry head
Upside down or sideways,
Paws large and relaxed.

Her legs chase a dream rabbit,
White eyelashes flutter,
Her tail, usually curled tightly about her hips,
Lies flat on the bed.

But the ears,
They never sleep,
They are always alert
For my every step,
I sit up.  She is up already,
So that she might follow me
Wherever I might go.

The Nature Of Doors and Stairways

You close the door
Darkness is so pervasive
It covers the sun.
You are covering my sun.
And yet I would trade the sun
For the odd moon
Just to keep you near.

I question the road I am on,
I look for runes,
I hope and pray for change.
I hope and pray that nothing will change.

And when I open the door
The light stills the cool darkness
The crickets stop singing
The birds chant an erie song.
It is upsettingly cheery.
I fear rejection.
I shut the door.
I feel comforted by the dark.

All is well until
I fall down the stairs.